He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
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I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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