I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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