lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
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Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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