After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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