the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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