I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Please don't give away my fajitas
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