I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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