Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
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How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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