i already hear my dad disowning me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
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Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
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Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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