I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
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I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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