you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
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Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
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wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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