Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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