dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
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a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
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I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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