he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
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Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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