I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize