at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
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I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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