She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
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He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have already put on my inside pants.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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