I wish I only lived at night.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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