you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
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We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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