No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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