I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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