If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
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Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
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I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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