Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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