I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
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He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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