i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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