checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize