His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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