I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
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he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
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And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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