i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
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How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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