omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
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The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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