The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
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She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
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That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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