Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
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apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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