If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
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I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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