nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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