I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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