You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
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I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
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Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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