Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
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The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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