keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
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Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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