i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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