Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
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i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
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I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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