Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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