Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
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does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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