I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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