I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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