Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
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Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I had to cum in my sink.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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