I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
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You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
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