I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
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Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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