U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sarcasm needs its own font
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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