We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
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I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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