Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
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In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
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I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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